July 19, 2014

I had anxiety attacks for most of the day

It started at work and pretty much went downhill from there.  I was able to keep it together without taking one of my anxiety medications and do everything I needed to at work, but once I got home I sat in front of the computer and brooded for several hours.

So...

I'm anxious about when the other half retires and we rely on me to be the financial breadwinner.  I'm anxious about finding a permanent job that will pay enough for us to get by, based on my calculations.  I'm anxious that if I can't find a job at a good enough rate that we'll have to decrease what we're going to save and so we won't be saving enough money.  I'm anxious over working evenings (which I love) or nights (which is doable) because of the kids.  I'm anxious over finding a permanent job period.  I'm anxious about whether we can survive the cost of living here.  I'm anxious if we just shouldn't use that final military move to head straight to Texas, which is probably where we'd end up settling for good anyway.   I think.  The thing is, we pretty much want wherever we move next to be our final move and while Texas is the front runner, it's not the guaranteed #1.  And if we were to take that final military move, I'd be anxious over finding a job in Texas, finding a house in Texas, coordinating a move in Texas, not knowing enough Spanish in time to survive working in a hospital in Texas

I know, catastrophize much?

I spent from 2000 to 2300 pretty much in an anxiety warp.  Then I dragged myself away from the computer, opened up a bottle of wine, and made myself do my usual Friday night spa routine.  I was too anxious to process my feelings, so I figured I'd go straight for the bath and facial peel.  I didn't finish until well after midnight.  But it did help me relax...and my skin is very soft and smooth now.  That is, until the peeling kicks in by Sunday. 

*sigh*

I think that's part of the reason I need a break from all things work and career.  I'm catastrophizing more and more, and the difficulties in both my transfer application as well as them getting to schedule me more isn't helping. 

I'm going to start back up with therapy--I already got the referral process going and I'll return to my old psychiatrist.  Different therapist though.  The last one was nice but she kept bringing it back to herself, whereas I'm the patient and as narcissistic as this sounds, the sessions should be all about me.

1 comment:

Kolohe said...

Doesn't sound narcissistic to me.

Hey, kiddo. I've been away a while. Was it hot enough for you today? What about them 'Bolts?

Those are all reasonable things to be worried about. I know how difficult it can be to listen my grandma's advice to "let the day's own troubles be sufficient for the day." But it is still good advice.

I am glad to hear that you are considering moving, though. Friends from church just had the daughter and son in-law settle there. He's an officer but it still takes all his housing allowance and then some to rent a one bedroom apt. (Not that I need to tell you the high cost of living, I'm sure.... wry smile)