December 13, 2018

No, the thyroid didn't leave. It even invited a friend over.

My birthday was nice.  I did my mourning the day before so I could make the best of the day.  Had a good day at the holiday party with my coworkers, had a good day at home with my family, had a good (sarcasm) time finishing up my performance assessment.  I turned that in the following day and found out yesterday that I passed.  So I am officially done with my first term.  Coming soon:  a post on WGU survival tips and must-haves.

The day after my birthday, I went to my PCP for the follow-up on my blood pressure medication and the investigation into my weight gain.  The new blood pressure medication is working fine.  As far as the weight gain...she agreed to check my thyroid, but she believes that 1700 calories a day may be too much for me.

"Even with being on my feet at work and exercising five days a week?" I ask.

Apparently so.  But she wants me stay at 1500 calories a week for at least two weeks.  If I don't lose some weight in that time (I'm not counting the water weight I'm bound to lose within the next couple of days, thanks to all the Chinese food I had on my birthday), she wants me to go down to 1200.  If that doesn't do it, then 1000.  Even 800 if I had to.

Of course, if I ever had to go below 1200, I'd ask for a referral to a nutritionist first.  No offense, doc, but let's talk to someone who specializes in this.

Labs were done.  My TSH is normal.  But my chloride is 10 points high.  Total protein is a bit low.  Everything else is normal.

Chloride, high?  Odd.

She said she's not worried about it, but I do need to make sure I'm eating enough protein.  Should I do the Atkins diet?

As far as the chloride...I looked it up.  Causes of high chloride include:
  • Dehydration (possible)
  • Hypernatremia (high blood sodium) (nope, that was normal)
  • Cushing syndrome (not likely)
  • Kidney disease (kidney-related labs were just fine)
  • Metabolic acidosis (nope, those levels were normal)
  • Respiratory alkalosis (ditto)
So my best guess is that I need to drink more water.

I'm disappointed yet relieved that my thyroid test came back normal.  Disappointed because hypothyroidism would have explained a hell of a lot of what's been going on with me besides just the weight gain.   Relieved because it's better to have the working thyroid in the long run.

It's going to be tough to keep track of the calories when my mom is here...mostly because I don't want her to know I'm trying to lose weight.  She's always been critical of my weight all my life, even when I wasn't overweight to begin with.  Yeah, I know.  And she tends to believe she knows best about everything...she'll be there, giving me all the diet and exercise advice she has.  Meanwhile, she very overweight, doesn't exercise, and her diet is anything but balanced.  Or she is trying the latest fad diet or quick fix, such as drinking apple cider vinegar in water and expecting it take off 35 lbs. 

Spoiler alert:  it didn't work.

*sigh*

December 4, 2018

In which Meriwhen wonders if her thyroid went on holiday

My weight loss had stalled, so my psychiatrist started me on a low dose of topiramate which is used off-label for weight loss.  They're not sure how it works, but apparently for a lot of people, it does.  Considering that I've been tracking my diet for a while now with no results, I figured I'd give it a go.

I had downloaded an app (Lose It), and have been pretty faithful about sticking to my calorie allotment.  It helped me calculate my BMR and an allotment to allow me to lose weight at a safe rate, which we (the app and I) decided was a pound a week.  So this translates to about 1700 calories a day.  Of course, this still fits in with intermittent fasting, but I do the fasting more because I find that if I eat at work, I want to fall asleep.  So I don't eat at work, I fall asleep after work, and when I wake up, 16 hours are gone.  1700 calories for 8 hours is no problem.

After I finished my half-marathon almost a month ago, I've also been exercising about 5-6 days a week.  I've been alternating between the treadmill and the recumbent bicycle.  I've also added in some resistance/strength training on the treadmill days, since I tend to spend more time pedaling than walking.  I give myself one day of total rest, usually on the last day of my work week as I adjust back to a daytime schedule. I may do a second day if I feel too tired or achy, as I did the other day when I felt sore and exhausted.

So you think with all of this, I'd have made some mad progress, right?

My scale says No.  My scale had me lose 5 lbs, but then gain 8 lbs.  So I'm up 3 lbs. overall.

Mind you, my psychiatrist's scale has me down 3 lbs. since I started the topiramate.  He (and I) were hoping for more than that, but in his words, "between losing 3 lbs. and gaining 3 lbs., I'll take the loss."  He tweaked the dose a bit more.

But that isn't what got me thinking that it might be my thyroid.  It's the cold.

Being from the Northeast, I'm used to cold.  I love cold.  I dream about snow and rain.  I get excited whenever I see clouds in the sky.  Hell, I consider it a beautiful day if I can't see my shadow.

Except that as of late, I feel like I'm freezing.  It's only 60 degrees, but I'm freezing.  I'm turning on the heat, to the other half's surprise.  I'm wearing my coat at work, to everyone's surprise.

The other half says, "it's not so bad out."

"I'm taking your sweatshirt then."

This is not like me, to be stealing sweatshirts and wanting to go around with a space heater.

I have an appointment next week with my PCP to have my blood pressure medication follow up.  I already messaged about having my thyroid tested.  My PCP is away until the end of the week, but hopefully she'll agree we should rule out any problems.

And if it's not the thyroid, then I guess I finally acclimated to the Southern California climate.

November 27, 2018

And so it begins...

The new grad postings for my healthcare organization are up.  Yes, it's that time of year when the new grads finish up their residency and start jockeying for the spots.  No guarantees...though of course, if you're aiming for a particular spot, it helps if you have an "in" somewhere in that department.  Then the department manager has a name to ask for when they submit the posting to HR.

We have a new grad coming our way next month.  Their "in" was that they were a per-diem CNA/tech for us.  And now they're a nurse for us.

We're actually doing pretty well in the new grad front.  We've had quite a few of them over the last couple of years, and so far almost all of them have stuck around.  It's nice to see that there's new nurses who are really interested in psych, and not just using it as a way-station to get their golden first year of experience before moving on to another specialty.

November 26, 2018

In which Meriwhen cries at work

I've only gone misty at work a few times in my career.

First time was as a new grad.  The powers that be decided I should be in charge of the ICU that day.  Well, I had never been in charge of the ICU--it wasn't even my home unit.  Up until that point, I was primarily a detox nurse.  And it was a day full of discharges, court hearings, and everything administrative. I can deal with psychotic patients until the cows come home, but administrative stuff and court hearings...yeah, not yet familiar territory.   My other nurse (we were short, so there were only two of us) was also a float.  She was also a LVN so what she could do to help me was limited in scope.

I did my best to make a go of it, but after an hour and a half, I was so overwhelmed, I had to call the DON for reinforcements.  She was able to get the supervisor down there, as well as one of the regular ICU nurses to come in on his day off and help me out.  God bless him.  He helped me get through the shift and gave me a crash course in all the legal ins and outs.  He remains a good friend to this day.  We both have the same taste in firearms.

I managed to keep the water works in until after the shift, when I went by the DON's office.  She invited me to stop by to see how I was.  I got there, sat down, and promptly started bawling.

The second time was many years later, on the first Father's Day after my father died.  I went to work four days after he passed and didn't cry.  I didn't cry for a long time.  But that first Father's Day...I was on the open unit, so fortunately I got to be alone in my misery.  Patients slept all night and it was so slow that my partner was chatting with some other nurses.  I sat in the corner with a COW (computer on wheels), quietly, with the tears streaming down my face.  I think that was the first time I had cried since he died. 

I haven't really cried for him since...I do get misty at times, especially on my birthday.  But brief tears since my father would have never liked to see me get upset on my birthday, especially about him.  And I've never really cried over him since...but I know he understands.

Third time was due to stress over my mother.  I love my mother but she can drive me to tears.  I don't remember exactly what it was that got me upset, but with my mother, it could be lots of things.  And while my crying wasn't outright hysterics, it was enough to get people worried.

Which brings us to the fourth time, today.

I generally have a good relationship with my coworkers, especially the ones I work with the most often.  You need to have it, it's part of surviving.  But work has been very stressful as of late--unfortunately things have happened and I can't go into details.  It's getting to a lot of us.  At least, it's getting to me and a few who have confided in me.  We're doing our best to support each other in this.  Anyhow, one of my coworkers--normally a decent guy--has been acting kind of like a jerk lately.   He said something to me and it actually hurt.  I asked for help with something and I got this instead.  I'm not entirely sure if it was meant as a joke--I'm kind of thinking/hoping that it was, but it still hurt nonetheless.

I know, Meriwhen, sensitive?   Not usually.  But like I said, things have been stressful lately.  So the remark got to me more than I'd like to have.  I didn't quite know what to say, or even if I wanted to say anything about it, so I have just been keeping my distance from said coworker.  Not really talking to him other than what I had to say while I thought it over.

I did end up talking about it with another coworker--the topic just kind of came up.  He was also there and heard the remark, and agreed that it was rather insensitive, especially since I never ask for help (and yes, I'm working on improving that) and didn't get why the coworker said it, even if it was supposed to be a joke.  He's also been a bit frustrated with this first coworker as of late.  We both concluded that he (first coworker) probably hasn't even noticed that he upset me and so it might be pointless to even bring it up, just to let it pass.

So while an apology might be nice, my second coworker has a point.  As far as remarks go, yes, it hurt...it wasn't the worst thing I've ever had anything ever said to me.  Still, it was nice to know that perhaps it just wasn't me being overly sensitive. 

But now, the first coworker for some reason is now not really talking to me.  We have somehow entered a cold war...maybe.  Or maybe not.  I haven't asked him.

It hasn't impaired our working together, but it was tense.  And got tenser as the night wore on.

Finally, towards, the end of the shift, I couldn't take the tension anymore and started crying in front of three psychotic patients.  Two of them--long-term patients--were very concerned about me.  The third said he would get us an apartment to live in together and buy me a sports car.

Uh, no, thank you.

I excused myself and left the floor.  I'm a firm believer in presenting a united front when it comes to patients, and any issues among staff is not patient business.

A third coworker (I have to number them now so you're not confused) found me and consoled me.  I didn't really say why I was upset.  I'm not sure if anyone else knew I was upset because I did have the waterworks under decent control.  Others including the first coworker were going past us in the nurses' station, so maybe they noticed.  Or possibly not.  No one else said anything, and I was too upset to care who saw at this point.

I pretty much ran out of Dodge after that.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the fourth time I ever cried at work.  I'm sure they'll be a fifth, but hopefully not for a long time.

As far as the first coworker...I don't know what to do about that situation.  It's inevitable that we will be working together again. He really is a good guy and I genuinely enjoy working with him.  I'd like to think that his remark was a poor joke made at a horrible time, and which I for some reason am having a hard time getting over.  Things are stressful at work for all of us, and the holidays are just going to make it worse.  And December is a horrible enough month for me as it is.  Maybe it may just be better for me to let it go and try to get out relationship back to normal.  If he asks about it, I'll tell him how I felt.  Though I don't think he will.  I think it's just like my second coworker and I think:  he probably hasn't noticed anything was/is wrong.

Though I'll be honest:  part of me never wants to ask him for help with anything again if I can help it, in case it wasn't a joke.

November 14, 2018

The half-marathon went well.  No PR, but I wasn't last either.  It was my first time on the course and I enjoyed it so much that I'm signing up for next year's race as soon as they post it.

The registry (a.k.a. Job #2) called to see if I was working and whether I was interested in picking up work with them again.  It's nice to know I'm still thought of well by them...but between work and graduate school, I don't really have the time to spare for a registry position.  So I'm going to decline but ask them to keep in touch.  It never hurts to have contacts wherever you can.

November 10, 2018

A few of my coworkers asked me if I was going to go for that administrative position.  I didn't directly answer (at the time, it was not yet posted), but stated that it would be nice to have someone consistently there for those of us on nights and that if it had to be me to deliver that consistency, then so be it.  It was nice to hear that I still have the vote of confidence from some of my peers if I had decided to pursue it.  But as I mentioned, it's already off the table of consideration due to its hours.

In other news...the other half's father passed away this spring.  I don't thing I had mentioned it here because it blindsided us.  He went into hospital for a lung issue that turned into a cardiac issue that turned into a ICU stay that turned into the end.  The reason we were blindsided was that he and other half's mom didn't want us to know how bad things really were.  So whenever we spoke to his mom, she made it sound like things were better than they actually were.   Then one day his mom calls and says, "oh, your dad passed away."  No preamble.  Just boom.  Said it as though she was discussing the day's random activities.

Side note:  she's also a psychiatric nurse, which is probably why she had such great emotional control when talking to us.

In a way, I can't fault her.  The other half has never been good with anything medical, so much so that even I no longer disclose any of my own medical issues to him unless I'm certain I have to.  He'd spazz endlessly with worry over every single little thing.  So the family tells him only when he really needs to know.

But at the same time, if his mom knew that his dad was likely not going to make it, she should have been honest about that part so other half would have had a chance to say goodbye to him.  At least I had that chance with my dad.  Other half never got that chance. Neither did I.

I do miss my other half dad.  He was a good guy and you could always count on him for a bad pun.  And he considered me the daughter he never had.

Tomorrow is his birthday, which happens to be the same day as the half-marathon I am running walking.  I was going to wear my one of my usual running shirts (turtles or sorority runners) but found one that he'd love.  It has this printed on it:


Which is totally something my other dad would say to me as I'm slogging along.

November 8, 2018

I have a half-marathon this Sunday.  I already lost the requisite toenail and the race hasn't even started!

Seriously...I must have somehow injured my toe.  When I went to apply varnish (I always keep the toes manicured.  I can't keep my fingernails from breaking to save my life), toe #2 on the right decided that it didn't need the toenail anymore.  And this injury must have occurred quite a while ago, because the next toenail was already halfway grown out.  How I didn't notice this is beyond me.

November 7, 2018

Administrative moot point

They did post that administrative position...for evenings.  I have no intention of leaving nights. Therefore, I shan't be applying. 

It shall be interesting to see if we'll have an internal candidate or if someone will come from the outside.

So all that musing I did the other day was a moot point...well, if I think about it, it really wasn't a moot point.  It made me think about whether I really did want to cross over into the realm of administration (answer:  still not 100% sure I do).  It also gave me some food for thought for the future, especially when I graduate with my MSN and decide what my next steps in life will be...both the immediate steps and those in the long game.  I've been thinking in terms of a ten-year plan as of late.  I'll have my MSN in two years, and I'm starting to formulate a picture of where I want to be eight years after that.  You'll have to forgive me if I choose to keep a lot of these cards close to my vest for now.  There's going to be a lot of hands played in this card game anyway.

I will still send my resume and cover letter template to the WGU career center to get them cleaned up and at the ready.  While I love what I do and where I work and don't have any intention of leaving any time soon, it's always a good idea to have a resume and basic cover at the ready should the perfect career opportunity ever cross my path.

November 5, 2018

Administrative randomness

I finished Nursing Informatics.  It was like pulling teeth, but I did it.  I'm now on the final course of the term:  Nursing Leadership.  My term ends December 31, but I'm planning to have this course wrapped up by December 10 so I can enjoy the holidays without the spectre of a performance assessment looming over me.

After Informatics, Leadership is a refreshing change of pace.  It's also arriving at an interesting time.

There's been some managerial turnover here.  Nothing horrible:  people moving on to bigger and better things.  There is a possibility of an administrative position opening up, not immediately, but probably within a few weeks or so.  It would be the same position that I had considered applying for in the past but declined. 

This time around, I think I would seriously consider applying for it.  Well, first of all, it would have to be a NOC position.  If it's not NOC, it's not even in the realm of possibility.  And in all honesty, the odds are it won't be a NOC position.  But there's a chance it could be, and given that I happen to be taking Nursing Leadership, let me entertain such chance.

I've been weighing the pros and cons of going to administration. 

Pro:  consistency.  We can't seem to keep a consistent admin around on nights and we are pretty much left to fend for ourselves.  We do have an advanced nurse who we pretty much consider our unofficial leader--so much so that if she had decided to apply for said position, I'd immediately withdraw and throw my support behind her.  We were promised some occasional visits from management during the night and they lasted...for a while. Then they disappeared. I don't know if they didn't think we'd notice...I did and actually mentioned it to someone.

So yeah, having someone from admin consistently around would be nice. And if it's got to be me to get that consistency, fine.

Pro:  career advancement.  It's more solid administrative/management experience.

Con:  pay cut, a drastic one at that.  Like $10-20/hr.  Being the main breadwinner at home, finances are very important in the equation.  I'm not out to make bank, but I do need to make enough to keep the status quo. 

Con:  schedule change.  I like my current schedule.  Not only will I lose it, I'll have to add on an extra day. 

Pro:  support of my coworkers.  Most of them thought I should have applied the first time around...a few thought I had.  So at least they're not opposed to seeing me in this position.

Con:  relationship shift.  It's going to go from me and coworkers to me supervising coworkers.  The dynamic will change...it has to change by nature.  I have good relationships with my coworkers--as far as I know, none want to kill me--but would those relationships survive the change?

Con: less time on the floor.  More time as charge nurse.  I like the floor.  I like direct patient care.

Pro:  opportunity for personal and professional growth as I go out of my comfort zone.

Con:  having to interview.  Fear of being rejected and not getting the job.

I'm sure I'll think of more.

Anyhow, it's not as simple as counting the number of each, seeing which side wins and then deciding based on that.  There's a lot more depth to the decision than that.

Of course, this position might not get posted at all, or not be posted for nights, and then it's all a moot point.

I've decided to keep my own counsel on this and not mention it to anyone at work until necessary.  I may need to ask someone to be a reference.  I will definitely take advantage of WGU's career center to get the resume and cover letter polished up. 

October 2, 2018

Did I mention I hate Nursing Informatics?

I find it odd that I hate informatics, given that I have over three decades of experience with computers and not just in using them to type papers and play games.  You'd think it'd be a great fit for me:  nursing and computers.  But I thoroughly dislike this class. 

I guess that's why I've been dragging my feet on it.  I finally submitted the first of two performance assessments...submitted it 20 minutes ago.  The second performance assessment is more presentation than paper, which will be a refreshing change.  It's still informatics though.

I look at the online WGU support groups and see people stating they blew through this class in a week or two, and I can't wrap my head around that.

Oh well.  I have to remember that I'm not competing against anyone but myself.

If I keep to my schedule, I have until the middle of this month to finish the second performance assessment and call it a day on the class.  That will then leave me with one class (Leadership) which I plan to finish by December.  Then my course load for the term will be completed and I'll have December off.  My program mentor asked if I'd consider moving a class up from next term, but I've got too much going on in December and I'd rather spend the time not having to juggle schoolwork around everything else.

September 5, 2018

Stuff

I finished Research.  It turned out that I aced this one...it came back with a nearly perfect score.  It'd be nice if WGU thought it merited an excellence award, but I guess it'd have to have a perfect score to get that.

I got a few recruiting pitches.  The most notable one was from ICE...yes, that ICE.  Apparently psychiatric nurses can have flourishing careers in Immigration and Customs Enforcement.   And apparently they saw me on LinkedIn and thought I was a good candidate.  I'm going to guess that they saw the last name and figured I was likely fluent in Spanish.  I'm working on it.  And Russian.

Yes, Russian.

I had always wanted to learn it as a kid and even got some sort of course to start with.   But it was no Rosetta Stone and didn't really make it stick.  I decided to take advantage of a summer sale to add on Rosetta Stone Russian online.  I work on Spanish classes during my lunch breaks.  I started working on  Russian classes when I'm on the treadmill.  As far as practice goes, surprisingly there is a sizable Russian/Ukrainian community in my town. 

Anyhow, back to the recruiting pitch...I admit, I was intrigued.  ICE?  Me?   Meriwhen in a green and white car?  It would coordinate with my blog's theme. 

Ah, no, not now. I'm not planning to leave my current gig any time soon, as it took me so long to land it in the first place.

I went on a short holiday.  I brought my laptop with every intention of opening it up to do schoolwork, but I opened it up to look up local attractions and indulge in some late-night Minecraft.  So I technically didn't begin my next course--Informatics--until this past Monday. 

I'm now about a week and a half behind my arbitrary deadlines, but that's OK.  My first program mentor had set the dates up so I'd finish in mid-November, leaving me with 6 free weeks.  I opened up my iCal and plugged in the actual dates, and made a few adjustments.  My adjustments have me finishing in mid-December...on my birthday, actually.

So, for Informatics...

For this class, they recommend taking part in as many of the live cohorts as possible.  I threw myself right into the first live cohort, and the second will be today.  My schedule won't let me hit every cohort, but I can hit two a week.

I went to the first one, which was taught by my assigned course instructor.  So she's going on about the course and mentions an informatics scenario that sounds suspiciously like it occurred in a psych setting.  I could relate.  So she continues on and it turns out she IS a psych nurse.  Well, she's in Informatics now, but she's a psych nurse at heart and loves it.

It was all I could do to keep from squealing.  A fellow comrade from the dark side!

The course being Informatics, she couldn't talk psych nursing for long.  But I must speak with this instructor more.  Since I'm planning to approach the performance assessments from a psych perspective, she will be a valuable asset.  Speaking of which, this course has two performance assessments independent of each other, and I get to use PowerPoint for one of them.  Should be fun.

August 29, 2018

I'm sick of Translational Research

Don't get me wrong:  I loved the content of the course.  I'm just sick of working on this performance assessment for the last two weeks.  I'm already 4 days behind my arbitrary deadline.  Tomorrow will be day 5, but it WILL be the final day of this course as I plan to submit my performance assessment before lunch.  I already did the Turnitin check (6%, well below the guidelines).  I have a last review of it with the Writing Center, then I'll give it a final once-over, and then this toast is toasted.

Today was the weekly check-in with Belle.  I'm strongly suspecting that she's got a strong psych background, if she's not actually a psych nurse.  We spent 5 minutes discussing my weekly progress and 10 minutes discussing adventures in psych nursing.   And she was excited to discus psych as well.

Someone who understands my life!  This pleases me.

I also came to the realization that I REALLY do need those arbitrary deadlines. Don't get me wrong, the self-pacing of the WGU program is great.  But I realized today when I was on the 7th draft on my project that, as I told Belle, I could continue to revise this thing until the cows come home.  Instead, I need to work up to the deadline, submit it, and move on to the next course.  If my performance assessment truly blows, they'll send it back for revision.

I realize that may sound confusing to fellow students, and it confuses the hell out of me to.  To revisions/revising in WGU lingo typically means that your performance assessment was kicked back because part/all of it didn't meet the rubric standards.  Whereas in my lingo, revisions/revising means to edit yet another draft.  The previous paragraph makes it seem like my performance assessment failed 6 times already.

Moving to non-graduate school topics...

I went to the Cheesecake Factory today.  The menu is rather scary...well, not so much the food as the calorie counts listed next to the food.  There was very little in that main menu book that wasn't in the quadruple digits, and a few of those digits even started with 2.   But since I was there last time (which was probably 2012 or 2013), they have introduced an additional menu of lighter-calorie fare.  In this new menu, I'm pretty sure that no one item exceeded 1,000 calories.

I recommend the White Chicken Chili, by the way.  Excellent flavor with a nice spicy kick.  The Chicken Samosas are good too.  I had both and still kept the total calories in the triple digits.

I do regret having the Cinnabon Cheesecake though.  Which, by the way, is not on their new menu as it's about 1300 calories.  But when one is at the Cheesecake Factory, one has to have the cheesecake.  Otherwise, why go to a place named the Cheesecake Factory?  Anyhow, I thought that since I've been able to eat cheese with no issue as of late, that perhaps I was able to tolerate dairy again.  Alas, that was not the case...though it was a very tasty way to put myself in agony.  But next time I go back there, I think I'll have to settle for the bowl of strawberries instead.

August 23, 2018

A new chapter

So I "met" my new program mentor yesterday.  I introduced myself as "the psychiatric nurse that you're inheriting from Baby Nurse."  She laughed and said "you and I are going to get along just fine!"

She has a Southern accent that could cut glass.  I lived in the South for more than a decade, so I understand almost all dialects of Southern...except mountain North Carolinian.  I understand Welsh better than the mountain North Carolinian accent.   So I shall refer to her as Belle.

I introduced myself, we chatted...she was excited that I enjoyed psych.  She asked me about why I chose education over NP.  I told her it's because I wanted to do more than just prescribe medications.  She stated that she didn't pursue Psych NP for the same reason.  I told her that I wanted to have a more interactive role with others, and that I've always enjoyed mentoring and nurturing others.  She felt the same way.

I never asked what area(s) she specialized in...but could it be my mentor IS a psych nurse? 

If so, that would be awesome!  I often don't meet others of my kind in school except for those who are teaching a psychiatric nursing course.

So things got off to a good start between us.  I have a feeling we're going to have a great relationship.

I talked to Belle and told her that I needed to push my arbitrary course deadline back to August 31 (it was originally August 25) due to being sidelined with a double ear infection and then an allergic reaction to antibiotics.  She said "oh, bless your heart" and understood why.  So my new deadline is now August 31.  That gave me some of my motivation back, so instead of feeling like I was up against the gun, I had a decent amount of time to produce a decent performance assessment.

Southern lingo note:  the meaning of "bless your heart" is very dependent on the context it's used in.  In this case, it was sympathy. 

Speaking of allergic reactions...I hauled myself to the doctor to get it checked out.  Surprisingly, I was able to get a same day appointment with my regular PCP.  She looked at it, said it was possibly an allergy though questionable if its a true allergy (a localized rash, instead of generalized hives that I experience with the other antibiotics I'm allergic to).  So she marked it as an allergy with a note about whether it's a true one.  She also counseled me that if it came down to me taking the antibiotic, to go ahead and take it.  I agreed.

She said I was treating the rash correctly and that it should go away in a couple of days.  Sure enough, today it is gone except for some remnants of redness.

August 18, 2018

In which Meriwhen has little motivation and an allergic reaction to antibiotics

For the last week, my motivation for doing schoolwork has been...well, not at zero.   If my motivation were measured with a speedometer and 60mph was going full throttle, I'm about at 15mph.  Small progress but not enough.  Baby Nurse--who as of this week is no longer my mentor--told me that baby steps were still steps.  And she is right, though I don't think I will be able to finish this course by the arbitrary deadline of 8/25.  Closer to 8/31.

For various reasons, I just can't pick myself up to get fully going.  Work has been busy, I've been sick and sleeping a lot, the weather is too damn hot...anyhow, I knew this was a risk with WGU.  And I need to nip it in the bud.  I can't let myself run this course into September.  I REFUSE TO.

So I set up some Writing Center appointments for drafts and the final.  That way, I have commitments I can't break.

Baby Nurse has decided to take a position teaching in a brick-and-mortar school.  She was an awesome program mentor and I wish her well in her new position.  She has handed me over to her successor who she said she likes a lot and feels will take good care of me.  I have not yet met her, my first appointment with her is next week.  I wonder if she's a psych nurse...probably not.  There seems to be so few of us running around these programs.

The sick and the sleeping...double ear infection.  Whee.  I waited three days to see if it would pass, then hauled myself to the doctor.  He looked at my history, reviewed my allergies, and started me on azithromycin and decongestants.  The medications worked, and I was feeling fine within a few days.

Then a couple of days after the last dose of antibiotic, a rash appeared on my neck.  I wasn't alarmed at first:  for some reason, the skin on my neck is very sensitive compared to the rest of me, and it's not uncommon for me to have areas of redness there.  But then the rash got bumpy.  And then spread up the sides of my face.  Almost like a bad hormonal acne breakout.  The current state of it is that my neck is less bumpy but still red, while most of the bumps have taken up shop on my cheekbones.

Now, I should have caught this:  the -mycin.  I'm allergic to clindamycin.  Not life-threatening allergic, more like here's-a-lovely-rash-that-won't-die-for-two-weeks allergic.  The doctor was aware of it too.  I guess he figured that azithromycin wasn't likely to cause a reaction.  I thought as much too, and I really needed the ear infections out of there.  Well, we were both wrong.  The last time I saw a rash like this was when I was on clindamycin.  Same exact thing.

The good news is that it does go away.  The bad news is that it takes two weeks.  The worse news is that I have a social event to go to tonight and I refuse to miss it.

My going to Urgent Care is not an option as 1.  the rash is more cosmetically unpleasing than life-threatening and 2.  I'll end up spending hours there, hours that could have been spent doing schoolwork and relaxing before this event.  So I'm doing a little home treatment.  oral antihistamines (Vistaril), and topical hydrocortisone and salicylic acid creams.  I'm otherwise leaving it alone.  Time really is the only cure for it.

Getting excessively harsh with my skin will not clear it up any faster--if anything, it will exacerbate the problem and make it impossible to conceal with makeup.  I do have an arsenal of foundations, so I know I can conceal it for the most part.  I have the perfect one to use:  Tarte Amazonian Clay 12-Hour Foundation.  I strongly recommend this foundation if you have things to hide and want to keep them hidden most of the night.

I can't hide it 100%, but with good foundation, a red dress and a strong lip color, I could perhaps distract from it.

August 2, 2018

One class down. Many more to go.

I passed my first WGU class.  It took three days for the performance assessment to be reviewed and graded.  I was able to watch it progress through the queue though, so I knew the delay was not because they didn't get it, but because there were 300+ submissions in front of me.  

During those three days, I had quite the weekend at work.  I'm thoroughly convinced the recent full/blood moon had a lot to do with it.

I got the notice that the assessment passed on Monday.   Some areas of my performance assessment met expectations (score 3 out of 4) while others exceeded expectations (score 4 out of 4).  I admit, I was hoping for more 4s. 

Overall, the assessment's score was met expectations, or a 3.  Which I suppose is on par with a B.  I also admit I was hoping it overall exceeded expectations, or a 4.  Or an A.  But even it were a 4, the course would still appear as "Pass" on my transcript and my GPA would still be a 3.0.  

This "no-GPA" is still taking some getting used to.

Overall, I'm glad to put this first class behind me.  The assessment was very introspective which, while it did come up with valuable insights, always feels weird for me to do because I feel like they're looking for a certain answer in these courses.  No matter what program I took this type of course in, it always feels like The Powers That Be are looking for a certain answer.  Like my goals in the next 10 years always have to be something lofty like becoming a NP or nurse executive. 

To be honest, I don't know what I'll be doing in 10 years.  I'm still not 100% sure I want to do Education.  I'm 95% sure.  The other 5% of the time, I wonder if it would serve me better to do Leadership or Informatics...I mean, I could still teach with either one of those concentrations.  But I have time to change my mind if I want.   The courses for all the MSN programs are the same for at least the first two terms. 

I had to take a few days off before I started the next class, partly due to the high patient acuity at work and partially because I needed a mini-break from school.  I admit, I like this about WGU--I can pace myself.  The arbitrary start date for this next class was 7/29.  But as long as I finish these four classes by 12/31, it doesn't matter if I start the second class on the 29th or the 1st or the 15th.

Now, it's Translational Research, which I started yesterday.  I like research classes.  I even like doing the research for the research studies.   This course, I decided to use their 21-and-Done schedule.  So far, I'm keeping pace.  I had a productive appointment with my course instructor and narrowed down the topic for my performance assessment to a couple of contenders.  I'm going to see which topic pulls up more research studies and would be more doable. 

Oh yes, I also learned I did win one of the WGU scholarships...the one for nurses, actually.  Fitting.

July 27, 2018

As I wrap up my first MSN class at WGU, here are some things that I have learned

Attend the class cohort.  They have the slides saved and available in case you can't, but going to a live one is far better as they mention things that are not on the slides.

Attend the MSN welcome cohort.  Again, slides saved if you need it...and again, attending live is far better.

Attend other cohorts as needed, as they have valuable information. I have a date with the Writing Center one this weekend.

Make an appointment with your Course Instructor early on in the course to say How-Do and ask any questions you have.  The first performance assessment seemed very intimidating, but after I spoke to the CI, I was able to clear things up and feel somewhat less intimidated.

They're very strict about APA.  You will feel like an inept fool who has never used APA before. You will be paranoid about incorrect APA. You will be paranoid about paraphrasing.  You will have nightmares about in-text citations and only putting one space after a period instead of the usual two.  Even if you were an APA master in another program, you will still feel most if not all of this.  I feel much better after that Writing Center appointment though. 

Speaking of which, make appointments with the Writing Center early, at least a week before you plan to submit an assessment.  I fortunately did make my appointment early.  I'm glad I did because when I went to reschedule it for a day later (I still hadn't finished my draft), they were booked solid through August 1.  I tell you, as soon as I start the next cohort, I'm figuring out when my assessment is due and immediately scheduling that Writing Center appointment.

Word's "Find and Replace" is a fast way to correct that "only one space after a period and not two" problem.

Email instructors and the Writing Center as needed.  They will get back to you fast.  Really fast.  Take advantage of this.

WGU loves the Oxford comma.  I love the Oxford comma.  Finally, a kindred spirit!

And finally, don't forget to use Turnitin to check your work before submitting any assessments, as they are very strict about plagiarism as well as what percentage of work can be directly taken from other sources even if cited correctly.  The goal is 30%.  Under 15% and you're doing great.  Under 5%, you either didn't use any other sources or you are at paraphrasing skill level:  ninja.

Anyhow...I'm finishing up this first assessment to get it submitted by the weekend.  Then it's right onto the next class, which I can't recall off the top of my head, but I think it has to do with research.  No rest for me, alas.

July 19, 2018

Another weekly call with Baby Nurse.  She told me that I'm on the few nurses she has who isn't burning to rush through the program as fast as possible.  I responded that my circumstances at this time did not require me to rush and that I could enjoy the ride.

So, all the reading is done.  I started working on the performance assessment.  I'm glad I went with PERRLA, at the least the online version:  it lets me save my paper so I can work on it anywhere.  Which is nice as I have a Mac at home but work is strictly a Windows clique.

I had some questions about this assessment, so I booked a telephone appointment with my course instructor for this morning.  She's a pediatric nurse, so Peds Nurse she is.  I seem to be attracting all of the nurses for the under-18 crowd, which is funny given that this was the one specialty I could never do.

So Peds Nurse answered the questions, and therefore there is now no reason why I can't get started.  My arbitrary deadline for the assessment is July 28, so that leaves me with 9 days.   Except that I'm feeling tired today and really need to get some sleep...

I can't let that be an excuse though.

July 15, 2018

Three hours of sleep

...and  maybe not even that.  That's all I'm running on for work tonight.  So I'm firing up the coffee pot and starting the IV.  Oh well.  It looks like I'll be working with a couple of my favorite nurses, so it'll be all right.  A great team can make up for a lot of things, lack of sleep included.

I'm almost done with the reading for the first class.  I have 92% of the tasks completed.  Two more tasks remain, then I have officially covered everything and I can begin the assessment.  Well, I could start the assessment at any time, but like I said, I want to get the most out of this experience so--at least for right now--I'm going through everything.

Graduate school has started me thinking about my career's future.  I really like where I work, but I'm not sure there will be a lot of opportunities for a MSN-Ed there (I also feel like there's some new undercurrents developing that I'm not sure about, but that's another story).  But anyway, I would like to stay at my current facility and if that's not possible, there may be opportunities for a MSN-Ed in one of the other hospitals in the organization's chain.  If not, I may have to look elsewhere.

Fortunately, in the several years I've been living in the area, I have at least one contact in almost every psych healthcare facility in town.  While that doesn't guarantee me a quick new job, at least I have people who can do recon for me and, should it come to job application time, provide a reference.  And we could always relocate out of state...though that's not on my want-to-do list in the foreseeable future.  That was part of the plan of going to education full-time later on in life.

Of course, who's to say a nursing program won't pick me up after I graduate?  Though I had planned to be a full-time educator later on, after I've been worn out at the bedside, I could always go full-time educator sooner than planned and continue being at the bedside part-time/PRN.  But that's at least 1.5-2 years off.

While I'm thinking about the future, I'm trying not to obsess over it too much.  I've been trying to practice the mindfulness I've been learning about, to stay in the present and be aware of what's going on around me right here and now.   No easy task given my anxiety issues and predilection to stressing out.

July 12, 2018

Oh well

I wasn't selected for one of the scholarships at work.  I received my rejection letter today.

I admit that I'm bummed because I thought I had a really good chance at it.  I worked hard, sent it in for revisions, seriously considered and where applicable incorporated the feedback from one of the review committee members.  I'm going to presume that my manager spoke well of me when she sent in the recommendation form.  So I was rather optimistic that I might get one. 

But as I've posted on the nursing forum, if there's only 5 slots but 25 equally qualified applicants, 20 of them will still have to leave empty-handed.  I can only guess (hope?) that I was one of those 20 that would also have had a scholarship had there been 25 to give.

In reality, I don't know how many scholarships were up for grabs...I'll know soon enough when they announce the recipients.

There is always next year's scholarships, though next year, I'll use a different person for the managerial reference.  Just in case.

Though I have to remind myself that even with this loss, I'm still rather ahead of the game in terms of finances.  My tuition reimbursement should cover nearly half of the tuition costs.  I'm still holding out hope for a WGU scholarship which would only be a few hundred each term, but it's still something.  And thanks to planning and creative budgeting, I am 99.9% certain that I will not have to take out any student loans.  I'll be graduating without any debt. 

Going to mope about this for a little bit, and then get back to studying.

July 10, 2018

Randomness as I wait

I'm waiting for a webinar that is to begin in about 30 minutes...it's an "Intro to the MSN Program" one.  I decided that I'm going to take advantage of everything offered that could apply to me in some way.  Though I'm not a webinar fan and prefer to not have to call in--I'd rather converse by chat instead.

I've decided to rename my program advisor from Kid Nurse to Baby Nurse, as the former keeps conjuring up images of goats.  I have a standing telephone date with her on Wednesday mornings.

The class that I'm in has a "21 and Done" list...apparently a lot of these classes have this feature.  Basically, it maps out the entire course over 21 days, and if you want to finish the course--or at least submit the performance assessment--within 21 days, then this is the document to follow.  It's not binding, so if I decide to use it, I'm not committed for the entire 21 days.  Anyhow, I started off with it and abandoned it by day 5.  My work/life schedule didn't exactly sync with the schedule of tasks as in the document, with the end result that I'm not exactly up to day 10 as the document says I should be at.

I am doing a lot of work though.  It's mostly self-reflection, as well as learning about systems of health and wellness.  Learning a lot about mindfulness and how it could improve my nursing practice.  I admit, I'm a perfect candidate for learning mindfulness as my specialty of nursing focuses on the mind.

I need to stop eating cheese.  I usually don't eat it as my body doesn't tolerate dairy as well as it used to...but it's Muenster cheese.  Damn good Muenster cheese at that.  And I have no willpower when it comes to damn good creamy Muenster cheese and whole-grain bread sandwiches.  I have to tell the other half to go back to getting Cheddar.

I find out later this week--Friday--if I am one of the scholarship recipients at work.  I'm going to be really disappointed if I'm not.  I worked very hard on that scholarship application, particularly in refining the question answers to be under a certain number of words--and a rather small number of words at that.  Plus include all the key words.  Plus make it still sound like me.

I haven't heard about any WGU scholarships yet.   Still hoping to get one of the five that I applied to.

July 8, 2018

And it begins...began...begun...

I'm officially officially a graduate student.  School started a week ago.

I'm in the midst of my first class.  I have 4 classes this semester, for 10 CUs.  Each CU takes--or is worth--about two weeks' of work.  So, at 2 CUs, my first class will be about a month long, with a "end" date of 7/28.  I could finish it sooner and start the next one all that much earlier.  Or I could finish it after the 28th--anytime, really--and start the next class a little later.    It doesn't matter how long I take for each class, as long as I pass all 4 classes by 12/31.

Kid Nurse explained that she set the class "end" dates to have me finish the term in mid-November.  Her reasoning was that it would leave me free time for the holidays...or if I was feeling motivated, she could move another class up to this term, and I could get ahead of the game.

This first class has LOTS of reading.  Though I imagine that all of these classes are going to have LOTS of reading, plus some video.  There's e-books, e-reserves, journal articles, websites and videos galore for me to pore through.  I found it easier for me to print out what I can so I can highlight and make notes--although WGU's software has the capability of highlighting and note making, I find I prefer old-school pen and highlighter. 

I can't print the e-books out, which sucks. There, I use the software tools to note and highlight.

I'm still lurking in some support groups.  Some of my classmates have already finished this first class and are starting the second.  I've found that there's a lot of students who just jump right to the projects without going through the whole course because they want to complete their programs ASAP. 

I'm not going to do it that way.  Though there's nothing wrong with rushing:  I suppose as long as they're getting what they want out of the program and they're doing it in the academically honest way, then is it my business how they accomplish it?  But at this time, I'm not going to do the mad rush.  I'm going to savor each step of the journey.  I might speed the journey up by a term...well see how things go this first term.

June 26, 2018

And it's gotten more real

I have obtained PERRLA and Grammarly...I have fallen in love with Grammarly.  I use it for things not even related to school.

I have set up my schoolwork area.  Translation:  I cleaned all the junk off my desk in the home office, set up my laptop, and bought several printer ink cartridges.  I set up a separate login on my computer just for school.  This account doesn't have access to Minecraft, and Chrome (the required browser for school) has no non-school or non-nursing bookmarks.  So whenever it's study time, there's no temptation for me to do other things.

Now I have completed Orientation.   It was not some fluff PowerPoint that I rapidly click through just to hit the required wicket.

Nope.  Nine parts, complete with tons of videos that were required viewing in order to advance to the next section, Q&A and assignments.  So much was going on that the I had to do some technical support first so I could keep my sanity.  I live and die by Google calendar as it keeps me on track with everything.  It talks to my iCal and to my iPhone.  Now I had to get my WGU calendar--which is another Google-based calendar--to talk to my iCal and my iPhone.   Then I had to find a Tasks app to talk to my WGU calendar, my computer and my iPhone.  Sorting all of that out took two days, but now everything is interacting as they should.

Plug:  gTasks Pro is the bomb.  I highly recommend it.

Once that was set up, I plugged all my Orientation work into my gTasks list and spent the week going through each one.

I also now have a program mentor...I've already spoken to her twice, actually.  We seem to get on rather well so far.  She's not a psych nurse--actually, she's in a specialty I could never do.  It's not L&D:  while my dislike for L&D is well-known, I choose not to do it.   I could do it if I had to, and I would probably be rather good at it too.  But there's a couple of specialties I can't ever do because they get to me, and they involve pediatrics.   Sick kids get to me too deeply, and my urge to throttle ignorant or abusive parents gets too strong.

BTW, mentor, in the highly unlikely event that you read this, you keep my secret and I'll keep yours.

So I completed the first set of tasks that Kid Nurse (as I will refer to her) assigned me.  Today, we walked through the degree plan and the first course, which is the typical Professional Practice course that starts off almost every BSN and MSN program.   Heck, even a lot of ADN programs have such a course included...at least, mine did.

I was never expecting my MSN to be easy.  Far from it:  I'm paying for a solid education so I expect to work hard and be worked hard.   But looking through the first course and the assessment I have to do...well, I'm definitely not in Kansas anymore.  This is some serious stuff.   It was a little overwhelming at first glance. 

Fortunately, Orientation also made me aware of the many resources WGU has and how to use them, so I at least know where I can turn to for help.   Plus I know that things will become clearer once I start on the coursework.

I have a month for this first course...well, I could take longer or do it faster, depending on how I pace myself.  But Kid Nurse set arbitrary course start/end dates and I'm glad she did.  I like having the structure of knowing when something is due than something that it open-ended.  A deadline both motivates me to stay on course and prevents me from falling into the never-ending cycle of revising  to get the elusive 100% perfect paper.   That's because I'm going to have to eventually turn it in.

There are a couple of study plans in the course, broken into weekly and daily.  While I may not adhere to them, it's nice to see all the requirements laid out so I can start plugging them into gTasks and iCal.

My first day of school is technically July 1.  However, I am able to start reading for this course, which I will definitely do tomorrow.  After I update gTasks and iCal, of course.  And have a nice long evening of uninhibited Minecraft.

June 16, 2018

It just got real

Orientation has arrived.

Today, I logged into the student portal to find the links to the orientation modules and recommended webinars.  I also saw my degree plan.  If I keep to their suggested plan, I will graduate by December 2020.  Of course, I can speed this up a bit if I want, and I probably will.

June 6, 2018

The waiting game

I completed a half-marathon the other day.  It wasn't my best time--3 hours and change--but it was one of the most fun ones I did because I met up with a sorority sister from our running group.  She's a better runner than I, but she was also recovering from an injury and was more than happy to keep me company for the 13.1 miles.  We both enjoyed it so much that we've already registered for next year's race.

Meanwhile, I decided that I was going to go full-bore crazy and register for my third half of 2018.  This one will be in November.

As far as post-race condition goes, I have a bad blister on my heel and I think I'm going to lose a toenail...again.  But I'm in a lot better condition than I was after the one in March.

So school begins on July 1.  I'm supposed to start orientation on the 15th of this month.  I'm just waiting for it to start.  I tried looking for some good books for nursing education students, but almost all of the results that turned up were NCLEX-related.  The rest were for nursing education instructors developing curriculum for students.

I applied for the scholarship at work.  I'll know in July.  I got some positive feedback on my application so I'm optimistic, but not overly so.  So I'm waiting to hear on that.

Meanwhile, I want to apply for the WGU scholarship.  I wrote my director asking if she would be a reference, but I haven't heard back from her yet, and it's been nearly a week.  So this weekend, I'm going to ask someone else if they're willing to do it.  While I'm waiting, I'm fine-tuning my answers for the application.


May 25, 2018

And...

Good news:  the results are negative.

I hadn't been around for a bit because we were short at work, so I was dealing with that.  I was also coming down with something...not sure what it was as I had no symptoms but an incredible urge to sleep a lot.  Plus I decided that I needed to try and stay away from Dr. Google, lest I go down every rabbit hole I find.

So...

During the mammogram, they spotted the growth in the left breast.  OK, I know about that.  But then they became very interested in something spotted in the right breast.  The breast that my PCP felt and didn't find anything in. And they reminded me that I have very dense breast tissue, which can make spotting things difficult.  I'm not sure if that was meant to reassure me, because it damn well didn't.


Then to ultrasound.  The technician finds both critters.  Left growth:  4mm.  Right growth:  7mm.  She doesn't seem too concerned so I try to relax.  Then again, she's not the doctor reading it.  Speaking of which, the doctor reads both, but I'm told nothing.  So I go home.  OK, I'll read about it later. 


That evening, I check my patient portal to see if the results are up yet, since my PCP is pretty good about posting things same day.  And I'm thinking that if there was a problem, they would have told me ASAP, or had my PCP tell me ASAP.  But they didn't so everything must be OK, right?


No results posted.  And I checked like a madwoman all weekend but still, nothing.  At one point, a coworker advised me to take the medical app off my phone because that wasn't going to make the results appear over the weekend.  So I decide to Google things...and yeah, that wasn't a good idea.  After a day-plus of torturing myself with every worst possible scenario, I decided that I needed to shut the computer--and app--down and focus on the task at hand:  work. 

The results were up Monday morning.  Both are enlarged lymph nodes and both appear benign.  Thanks for playing, see you next year.  I guess they're just going to monitor it yearly.  I'm relieved...until I Google what enlarged lymph nodes mean.  And back down the rabbit holes I go, but I managed to break away from Googling it after half a day.


Please, for the love of Doritos, if you are waiting on any diagnostic test results, step away from the computer and try (I know, easier said than done) to wait for the official word from your PCP!!!

May 18, 2018

Today is the day

Diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound.  I've been sitting around in my robe since I woke up.  I'm not allowed to wear any deodorant, antiperspirant, lotion, perfume, etc.  So I'm trying not to sweat.  I'm also grateful that it's one of those rare mostly-overcast California days, as wearing sunblock is also out.  I've got my biggest hat and sunglasses ready.

It's scheduled kind of late in the afternoon, which is lousy as I have to work tonight.  But I'm planning to request a medical excuse note while I'm there so I can call off tonight if things run too long or if I'm too drained.  I prefer not to call off, but I also don't know how I will be feeling after this.

*sigh*

One of my LVNs is into complementary/alternative medicine.  She actually takes courses in it.  She counsels all of us in various aspects of CAM.  I participated in one of her class assignments where she had to read my chakras...and you know, for all the symbols she saw in me, not one was a sheep.  Go fig.

Anyhow, I told her about the tests.  She gave me some sage advice about relaxing and not rushing to make any hasty decisions.  She also gave me some frankincense oil to rub on the site, and some positive affirmations and guided meditations to perform daily.  She also offered to come along with me, but I felt like I'd be poor company for anyone to deal with.

I've always been open to CAM.  They may not be the be-all end-all, and they may not be a guaranteed cure.  They help--or are at least neutral--more often than they hurt, so provided this isn't an immediate life-or-death matter, I'm willing to try.  I don't expect CAM on its own to stop hemorrhaging or restart a heart in asystole, but it couldn't hurt when it comes to being one of many treatments for a breast lump. 

I've been using the oil a lot--I'm into essential oils, and I figure it definitely couldn't hurt.  I need to remember to do the affirmations more. 

The other half has been testier than usual.  This is his way of coping with anything that potentially affects my health.  I try not to take it personally...but as I'm also more sensitive than usual right now, I'm not doing very well at it.

It's going to be a long afternoon.

May 17, 2018

Well, I guess I'm committed now

I paid my first tuition bill.  In full.  This will take me through the end of the year.

School still doesn't start until July 1.  Orientation will be during the second half of June.  In the meantime, I'm lurking on some WGU support groups, both general and nursing-specific.  I'm also getting some necessary supplies:  PERRLA and Grammarly.  I heard that both are invaluable when it comes to APA and writing at the graduate level.

I also told my manager.  I had to:  I'm applying for that work scholarship because I found out that nursing education students were in fact eligible.  Part of the application process is a recommendation letter from my manager.  She already submitted it, so now I have to do my part.  I also need to approach someone else about my recommendation letter for the WGU scholarships.  I think I'll ask the director and see if she'll do it.  If not, I have a few other candidates in mind.

The scholarship writing workshop I was supposed to do this week was cancelled and rescheduled for next week.  Right after that class, I'll finish off my scholarship applications--this one as well as the WGU ones--and submit them.  Then we wait and see.

I'm getting kind of excited here.

In all, two people now know about my graduate school plans:  my manager, and a coworker who is in an online NP program.  He's half my age...yeah, I feel old.  I told him one night in between giving patients IMs...yeah, that was a bad night.  It was nice to talk to someone who is also going to school online.  He gets what I'll be going through.  And he's heard of WGU and it's been nothing but good things.  I asked him to keep it on the QT for now, and he has. 

Now that my manager knows, I wonder if it will get out.  I didn't ask her to keep it quiet, so if she were to share the news, I suppose she wouldn't be in the wrong.  Still, I don't think I'm ready to make a full-on announcement about it to everyone.  I'm still not sure why I feel this way.  Though if I did manage to win one of the work scholarships, it will become public knowledge like it or not.

May 3, 2018

Fair warning

I guess I ought to warn regular readers--all 2 of you, though there are few more that follow on occasion--that this breast thing is probably going to take over here for a while.  This is one of the places in this world where I process my thoughts and emotions.  If you don't want to come along for the ride, that's cool:  just avoid the posts tagged "health" for a while.

Maybe I should have done that exam...

We usually eat Chinese food on Wednesdays.  Well, I eat Chinese food on Wednesdays.  Everyone else has pizza.  My body has decided that it no longer approves of large quantities of dairy, so while I can get away unscathed if I eat one slice of pizza, more than that isn't kind to my stomach.

Today, I opened the two fortune cookies that came with.  One fortune was:

"You will be fortunate in everything you put your hands on."

Maybe if I had done the exam and found the lump, it will turn out to be nothing.

I'm not spazzing...too much.  The odds are definitely in my favor that it will be nothing major.  1 in 8 women get the joy of breast cancer, which means that 87.5% don't.   And even if it is an issue, medical advances have come rather far that the odds are successful treatment are in  my favor as well.  I've had two biopsies that were benign.  Twice, I was one of the 87.5%...

Then again, I was in my 20s.  Now, I'm in my 40s.   And there's that old superstition about the third time of things being not-so-lucky as the first two.

I'm thinking back to several weeks ago, when I felt pain in...wait for it...the left breast, right about where the lump is.  I didn't think anything of it as it was there only for a few days, was intermittent, and was right around the brassieres-no-longer-fit-right time of my cycle.  Now, I'm wondering, "what if..."

I need to go play some Minecraft and relax.


May 2, 2018

In which Meriwhen...*sigh*

Got back from my annual physical.  My PCP wasn't as cross with me as I thought she'd be.  I need to lose weight, yes.  But she's happy that my labs are in her words "stone cold perfect."  She's also happy to hear that I'm up to working out 4 times a week.  She'd still rather see me doing it 5 times a week...I'm getting there.

And there's another breast lump.  The clinical summary form describes it as "breast mass."  I prefer calling it a lump as it sounds more benign.

I admit that I'm horrible about doing monthly breast exams because the only 2 times that I've done it, I found lumps that were later surgically removed.  I told her it was a stupid superstition, but I've been scared to do them since.  And in the almost 19 years since the 2nd was removed, no provider has found anything to be concerned about.  Until today.

The first words out of my mouth were, "it's always the left [breast]."

So I now have to go for a diagnostic mammogram, which is apparently different from a regular mammogram and may not be covered by insurance.  But I need to get it so I'll worry about the cost later.  And it'll be followed up with an ultrasound.  They were able to schedule it pretty fast:  within 2 weeks.  And because of the EMR, I'll be able to know the results very quickly.

I told the other half today...I thought about waiting until I get the tests done, but then realized that I'd have no way to explain any unexpected stress or anxiety that I would be going through while I'm waiting.  The first words out of his mouth were, "this is the 3rd time."  I guess we're both a little too used to going through this.  

May 1, 2018

Scholarships

I am now 60 days out from starting the MSN program.  This means I can apply for WGU scholarships.  I started the general application but haven't finished it, because once I finish the general application, I then have to submit the scholarship-specific applications within 5 business days.   There are 2 I am definitely eligible for, and possibly 1 or 2 more that I could qualify for.

I also found out about a scholarship through work that I would be eligible for.  I have 60 days to apply for that as well.

The reality is that I will not qualify for any need-based scholarships.  Fortunately, tuition reimbursement from work will cover almost half of the tuition, though it's I pay the school first and work reimburses me later.  I do not plan to take out any loans either.  I have a tiny savings account I had started way back when to fund graduate school, and my first term's tuition is almost covered, and I plan to increase my contributions so every 6 months, it will have almost if not all the next term's tuition.   Though if necessary, I will go the ramen route.  My doctor will hate me for that...she's already going to be cross me with me when I go for my annual physical tomorrow.  She won't want to hear that I will be living off of ramen for the next 12-18 months.

Therefore, the scholarships I must stalk are either based on merit or on my hitting whatever wickets I need to in order to meet the scholarship's criteria (e.g., gender, ethnicity, area of study, professional organization, can I do the tango, etc.).  And of course, on how well I can sell myself to the scholarship committees.  So I need to stack the deck as much as I can.

I signed up a for a scholarship writing workshop through work.  It will supposedly teach me the tips and tricks I need to write an effective scholarship application.  I will also be able to get their assistance in completing applications, so what I plan to do is take the WGU and the work scholarship applications with me and see what magic the course facilitators can help me work.

I'm actually eager to get things started, and for a brief moment, I thought about moving the start date up to June 1st.  But if I wait until July 1, I'll have the full tuition for the first term in my savings account.  Also, June is going to be a hectic month and I don't want to have to juggle starting graduate school around everything.

April 22, 2018

Laissez les bons temps rouler

I've been trying to take a more laid back attitude towards things at work.  There's been some changes I'm dealing with, as well as other possible changes coming down the pike that may or may not affect me.  Now, regular readers (all 2 of you) know I have major anxiety issues that I'm been working on for years.  My regular medications have helped considerably.  I've been using a lot of mental tricks that I've learned to try to relax and deal.  Writing about what is making me anxious also helps.  So does the occasional alprazolam, though I save that for when the tricks and writing fail me.

For the most part, the anxiety issues have improved, but I have weak moments when the anxiety can and does overwhelm me. 

So instead of working myself up into a worried frenzy over what might happen--especially when it might not--I decided that I am just going to roll with things the best that I can.  For the most part, work has been good times, so may they continue to roll and I roll along with it.

I guess it's a modified Serenity Prayer, Cajun style. Le Bon Dieu would approve.

I am finally able to use that treadmill I purchased.  I'm making an effort to put in at least 30 minutes on it before work each day.  It's still mostly walking with some occasional running, but I'm improving.

I've been lurking on a couple of WGU support groups online, one for the general school and one for BSN/MSN students.   I see people in both groups complaining (maybe not the best word but it'll do) about how hard some of the assignments are and how tough the instructors are being on said assignments.  It's reassuring to see this.  At least I know that I'm going to have to work for my MSN kibble.

Albeit 3.0 kibble.  I'm still adjusting to that.  Remember that my lowest nursing school GPA was 3.93.  So to go from that to knowing I'm going to get a 3.0 no matter how hard I work is a bit of a paradigm shift.  But then again, at this point in the game, does the GPA really matter anymore?  It only does is I decide to pursue a PhD or post-masters.  And even then, lots of WGU students go on to get even higher degrees than a MSN.

April 17, 2018

Red hair, don't care

Having red hair, even subtler red/brown hair such as what I'm sporting, is hard work.  It's a lot of maintenance because of all the hair dyes out there, red hair dye fades the fastest and the most.  So monthly maintenance is a must, unless you like faded red tones and/or visible roots.  I use demi-permanent dye so the fading means my hair gradually gets closer to its natural color and the roots aren't quiet as obvious...well, in theory, anyway.  In reality, demi-permanent dye never goes completely away.  

Having long hair doesn't make it any easier.  It's not at its longest length, but it's gotten to the point that I've had to move up to using 3 boxes of hair color, as 2 is no longer enough.  I'm not using the entire 3rd bottle...yet.  My hair being long means that dye gets everywhere, so it's a messy process.  Then is the washing out of all that dye:  that alone takes as long as it takes to let the dye sit in my hair to color it.  And the washing out is even messier than the application.

For the best results, one should wait as long as possible before that first hair shampooing:  at least 24 hours.  I color my hair right after my last shift of the work week, so this occurs on my days off.  Then for the next three days, my hair will bleed dye every time I shampoo.  I wear a lot of black during that time.

Overall, I think the results are worth it.  I'm left with a nice plum/burgundy-brown shade that looks stunning in sunlight.  But I don't know how much longer I want to keep all this work up.  I'm thinking about going back to black-brown.  The coloring process is still a lot of work--see second paragraph--but at least I can go more than a month between coloring sessions.

April 11, 2018

After my "Technology" post, I logged off and logged into the WGU student portal to find that transcript #5--the only one coming hard copy via mail--had arrived.  I thought about updating the post, but then I had the whole chest pain thing.  By the way, the pain is gone so it's likely GERD.

I called my enrollment advisor today to introduce myself, talk about the program and my goals, and to see what my next steps are. 

I learned my materials have been reviewed and I have been officially admitted.   I didn't expect to be rejected, but it's always nice to have things official.

We discussed the education program and why I wanted to pursue a MSN in education.  I admit, a lot of it has to do with my own experiences in ADN school.  Not that it was horrible--not in the least.  But there was some things in the classroom that I felt could have been improved on.  I also felt that the staff/CIs could have been more supportive of us during clinical experiences.  I frequently felt like we were left to fend for ourselves for a lot of it, with support hard to come by as criticism flowed easily.

That's why I have a soft spot for students doing clinicals:  I want them to have a better experience than I had.

The competency-based way of doing things seems to be interesting.  It's going to be quite the shift adjusting from the "must get an A" mindset.  I was concerned about having access to resources should I not already have some competence in an area, but they do provide the, as well as access to instructors to help me. 

She explained that they have redone the program to make it more competitive, including the field experiences and the capstone.  I was reassured to hear that they have contacts in the Southern California area who will help me in establishing a site and the projects.  So I'm not entirely on my own trying to find a school/facility in which to do the projects, designing and setting up the projects, etc.

I also wanted to notify her of my planned start date:  July.  The deciding factor was that if I were start in June, I'd have to fill out two FAFSA forms.  Filling out one was bad enough because I had to dig up old tax forms.  To go back and do it again but with digging enough another year's old tax forms...that was a bit too much.

So my next step is to get a background check done.  Because July is still a bit out, there's not much more I can do right now.  Once May hits, I can start applying for scholarships and checking off other things that need to be done.  

April 8, 2018

In which Meriwhen gets a good scare

No story build-up here, I'll just say it:  chest pain.

I had it for about 3 or 4 days.  It wasn't (isn't, as it's still kind of here) aching or stabbing, it's more of an uncomfortable pressure.  It's not radiating.  It doesn't get worse with exertion.  It doesn't get better with rest.  It did wake me up one night.  The only other symptom I have is a little tachycardia one morning, but it was gone by the evening.

Now, if this was someone asking me for advice, I'd say, "get thee to an ED today."  If if was a patient, I'd be seeking advanced counsel and probably calling the MD as well.  But of course, I don't tell myself that.  I'm a nurse and let's face it:  nurses are the world's worst patients.  So I schedule a next-day sick appointment after work.  What's one more day, right?  Let's just ignore the fact that I have cardiac issues on both sides of my family.  And let's ignore the Lisinopril in my medicine cabinet that I take daily.

That night, I was kept busy enough at work that it didn't bother me too much...it was when it was slow, that I noticed it was still there.   Not stressing over it, because I know that in a few hours,  I'll be at my doctor's getting checked out.

But it's not until I'm actually there in the clinic, getting an EKG and cardiac lab work done that I realize that this could be really serious.  Especially when my PCP orders a D-Dimer test for the presence of clots and tells me that if it comes back positive, that I need to drop everything and get myself to the ED for a CT scan.

I'm not young:  according to Erikson, I'm entering Generativity vs. Stagnation.  People my age die from cardiac issues.   I see it in the ED all the time. 

I gave up smoking 20 years ago.  I don't drink alcohol anymore.  I don't do drugs, legal or otherwise.  I'm in decent shape.  II'm physically active, though not as consistently as I should be.  I could stand to drop that 30 pounds I recently regained.   I have hypertension, though well controlled.  I have cardiac issues all over my family tree, including heart attacks and deaths from stroke.

And heart disease is the #1 cause of death in women.   And heart attacks in women don't always present with the typical "clutch the chest and feel the left arm go numb" symptoms.  It presents like indigestion, like heaviness.  Like how I felt.

Yes, I already knew all of this.  But again, nurses make the worst patients.

So I spent the morning being tested 10 ways from tomorrow.  My EKG is beautiful.  Exertion test is great--I actually wore out the LVN that was monitoring me because she couldn't keep up with my speed.  Lab work is beautiful.   Then I get to go home and wait, anxious as hell, for the D-Dimer results.  Because I can't go to sleep until I get this test result, in case I need to call out of work and find a good book to take with me to the hospital.

Fortunately, it was negative.  Unfortunately, I couldn't sleep even after getting that news.  So work that night was challenging, to say the least.

My PCP decided to start off my treating me for GERD, since he thinks it could be an atypical presentation.  So now I'm on omeprazole for a couple of weeks to see if that helps.  It's been two days on the medication, and the discomfort seems to be lessening, which is positive.  It might just be atypical GERD after all...I hope.

All of this was quite the scare for me, as well as quite the reminder that I could still improve my health.  I'm waiting until the discomfort is fully gone before I try out the treadmill we bought with the tax refund.  It wasn't a large refund so it's not a large treadmill.   But it's another way to exercise.

April 4, 2018

Technology is grand.

So I as mentioned last time, I applied to WGU.  In less than 24 hours, I was able to have my application in as well as all but one of my transcripts (there were a few) securely in their possession.

The remaining transcript is for one course that I took at a small community college in southern Texas.  They did not accept online transcript transfers, so I had to submit a faxed request, which was sent out the same day I requested--and received--the other transcripts.  Its receipt at WGU is still pending.   I couldn't skip this transcript as it was for a pre-requisite course for both the ADN and BSN.

So I have been granted provisional acceptance into the MSN-Education program.  Of course, transcript #5 has to make it, plus I have to do a whole slew of other things, including two interviews.  Given that this was a holiday week, I didn't press my counselor for contact.  But now that the holidays and accompanying spring breaks are almost over, I'll be dropping her a note to set up the first interview for sometime next week.

There is also the question of when to start the program.  I can start on the first of any month...well, the first of any month after I have submitted and done everything I needed to, which would need to be done by the first of the prior month.  So if I wanted to start June 1, I have to have everything tied up by May 1 so I could start orientation on May 15. 

I'm torn between starting in June or in July.  On one hand, I'm rather eager to jump in and get things started...because the sooner I start, the sooner I'll finish.  It'll be nice to be back in school again.  On the other hand, my mother is visiting for two weeks in June and I don't want to have to worry about schoolwork while she's here.  I was fortunate enough to get one of the two weeks off work, and she is very excited about that.

Financially,  I could start in June as I have enough to cover the first session's tuition stashed in my school savings account, plus there's a couple of scholarships I'm going to apply for.  They're merit/category-based, because I do not qualify for any need-based funds.  That reminds me, I need to complete the FASFA (FAFSA?) this week.  On the other hand, waiting until July just puts extra money in the kitty, plus lets me look for more scholarships.

And I do have tuition reimbursement available...which actually will cover a half-year of tuition each year.  So while I may not be able to get this MSN at no-cost (though I'm certainly going to try!), it's going to be rather affordable.

I have not told anyone at work about the MSN.  Well, some of them know that one day I want to get a MSN, but I've not told anyone that I have actually applied to a program.   I'm not sure why I'm playing this close to my vest.  It's nothing to be embarrassed about.  And I wouldn't be the first one in grad school, though I'll be the only one not going for nurse practitioner.  Maybe I want to get a feel for school first before I let the masses in on it.   Who knows?

When I apply for tuition reimbursement, it will definitely be out of the bag because I'll need my manager's signature on the application.   But that won't be until towards the end of the year.

April 1, 2018

Sticks and stones

Happy Easter.  Or Passover.  Or April Fool's Day.  Or Sunday.  Whichever holiday(s) you celebrate.

Just the other day, there was a patient who was unhappy that I had set firm limits.  So for the entire shift, I was yelled at, berated, harassed, taunted, made fun of, you name it.  The patient kept doing it because they thought they could get a reaction out of me, so they trotted out the worst verbal barrage they could short of physically threatening me--which they were wise enough not to do.

For almost 10 years, I've worked on the worst of the worst psych units, so the bar is set really high if you want to use your words to upset me. 

So, for all their efforts at getting that rise, the best the patient got was a smile or a neutral expression followed with a laconic "OK."  Or "I know."  Or "Whatever you say."  Or whatever other noncommittal benign remark comes to mind, followed by as-needed reiteration of whatever limit was being challenged.   And naturally, complete documentation of their behavior which is then discussed with staff and the MD so we were all on the same page, because attempts at staff-splitting usually go hand-in-hand with such behavior.

I can usually talk a patient into dialing their behavior back once they see it won't get what they want.  Sometimes they figure out on their own that it's not working and give up.  But occasionally, I get a persistent one that is hell bent on leather, and no matter what I would say, it will be ineffective.  I can usually figure out that they're one of those pretty quickly.  Most psych nurses can--it's an essential skill that we must develop in order to survive. 

I don't engage any more than necessary as then it would become a power struggle, and some things on the unit just aren't and can't be open to negotiation.  Sometimes I think I should just not say anything and ignore whatever is being said, not even give that "OK" or whatever laconic response.  I decide not to as that may give the impression that a. I didn't hear them, b. I'm ignoring them and/or c.  what they are saying is getting to me...and any one of them just feeds the fire even more.  If they think you didn't hear them or are ignoring them, they'll just keep going on until they do get a response.  If a patient--especially someone with an Axis II diagnosis--thinks they've found a weak spot of yours, they will go after it like a bloodhound.  Show them that something they said upsets or otherwise gets to you, and they'll latch onto it and keep launching barbs.

Caveat:  if they are acting out, then as long as they're not hurting themselves or anyone else, the temper tantrum is ignored until it is completed.  It's the same as Toddler 101.

I try to avoid getting assigned to such patients once I know they have it in for me...in fact, they often weren't my assigned patent in the first place!  After all, there's a fine line between standing your ground and rattling one's cage.  For me to willingly assume care of a patient who considers me Public Enemy #1 for whatever reason is not very therapeutic for them, nor would having to deal with me as their nursing contact "teach them a lesson."  If anything, I think it comes across as antagonistic:  "gee, you don't really like me, do you...well, guess who's your nurse today!  Ta da!"

I have to admit that over the years, I've had some very creative insults and names hurled in my direction.  I would love to share some of them, but I prefer not to run afoul of privacy laws or my organization's management.   Oh well.  Perhaps many many many years down the road, I'll publish a book that'll be released after my death:  The Meriwhen Diaries:  Detailed Adventures in Psych Nursing.  And it'll be full of all the stuff that I wish I could have shared now but can't due to privacy concerns...but which in 40 years or so, would be impossible to tie back to specific people.  

March 29, 2018

So the last 10 months...

Without writing an entire novel, here's what I've been up to over the last 10 months.

The summer was uneventful.  I picked up quite a few extra shifts during the day (I know!) to sock away some extra money for my leave of absence following surgery.  I trained to a couple of new areas.  My IV success rate still hovers at 50%.

The surgery went well.  I was talking with one of the staff there prior to the surgery.  She wanted to know where I worked, so I told them I was in psych.  "Oh, my kid is in there," she said.  "Cool, what shift is she on, maybe I know them," I reply.  And it turns out that the child isn't staff but a patient.

"Oh."

Then I was told a lot more about this patient than I ever wanted to know.  I said nothing other than, "I don't think I've come across them," which was true, as I hadn't.  But talk about small worlds!

The surgeon and anesthesiologist were awesome:  I told them what I wanted--not to remember anything during the surgery--and they delivered.  Though it would have been nice to be warned that the operating room would be like an icebox.  But they threw warm blankets on me, and then I was put under right away.

My sister took me there and waited to bring me home.  At one point, the staff couldn't find her.  We don't have the same last name, plus the name she has (that I used to have) is exceptionally hard to pronounce, so it's not as though they could have paged her.  So I told them, "She looks absolutely nothing like me."   They found her in less than 5 minutes.

I originally was going to return after one week, but after the first night home, I decided I was taking the full two weeks.  All I did was lie in bed and listen to audio books.  And get off the hook for doing anything around the house, because I was under orders not to lift or strain myself for a few weeks.  Unfortunately, this meant that I also had to stop exercising, so I gained back 15 of the 20 pounds I lost during the year.  I'm still working at getting them back off.

The fall was all right, nothing exciting.   Played a lot of Minecraft.  It's soothing, especially when I'm in creative move.  It's almost as fun as DOOM in God Mode, just without the chainsaw and cacodemons.

The little one officially became a teenager in December.  He asked that we no longer call him by his childhood nickname.  He is also almost as tall as I am (and I am tall!) and has bigger feet than the better half.  Pretty soon, this kid's going to tower over us.

My birthday was hard, as it was also the second anniversary of my dad's passing.  It was a little easier than the first year, but I don't think it'll ever be pain-free though.  Still, he wouldn't want me crying on that day, so I got the tears out while everyone was asleep, and fired up Red Dwarf until I was laughing hysterically.  That gave me the strength to get through the day.

At the start of the new year, I sprained my back by not acting my age.  Seriously, I was fooling around on a trampoline.  I didn't feel any pain then, but two days later it hit with a vengeance.  I was laid up for about a week.  It felt like it was never getting better...I kind of understood why people in chronic pain get depressed and want to kill themselves.  Not that I ever got to that dark of a point, but I certainly felt hopeless and helpless.

The next month, I pulled a groin muscle while exercising.  That only had me down for three days though, but I had to cut back on the exercise program for a while. 

Littler one turned 5.  His speech has improved drastically...he's still hard to understand at times,  but he is talking more and babbling less.  We're hoping he can transfer to the local school next year, but we'll see what happens at the next IEP meeting.

I did another half-marathon.  It wasn't my best time (and as always, I was dead last!), but I did pretty well considering my training was messed up due to the injuries.   I have another one coming up in June...I'm usually not this masochistic to do two half-marathons within six months, but this is also a get-together of sorority alumnae as well, so it's as much a social event as an athletic one.

I dealt with some personal heartbreak.  I'm not going to go into details, but I will assure you that both immediate and extended family are fine.   The pain sucked, but it was a learning experience, so I'm grateful for that.  Though I wish there were less painful ways to learn such things.

And this brings me to now, and my big news...I applied to graduate school. 

I decided to go with Western Governors University for the MSN in Education.  A lot of people--including other staff--at the forum spoke highly about it, so I did some of my own research.  It's accredited and has a good reputation.  I liked what I found, so I decided to give it a shot and apply.   I'm hoping to start in July.

I was looking at local programs, but they would have been hard to work around given my work schedule.  I thought about going back to UTA, but I decided that I wanted a different approach.  It's going to be interesting doing a program at my own pace.  The pass/fail thing is going to be both a blessing and a curse...a blessing since I won't be stressing out over getting As.  A curse because I'm going to end up with a 3.0 GPA no matter how well I ace each test and paper.

I don't want to become a psych NP because I don't want to prescribe all day.  I enjoy being in the trenches with the patients.  Education appeals to me because I like to teach others and I would love to be able to develop patient education programs.  I could help develop the next generation of nurses--I always fancied myself becoming a nursing school instructor...and there's also the potential for staff education as well.

Plus, If I change my mind and decide that I want to become a NP (psych or otherwise) down the road, I could always do a post-masters.  Or maybe I'll go for the PhD.  Or maybe I'll stop at MSN.

Right now, things are still in the application stage...I don't doubt that I'll be accepted, as I'm bringing along GPAs of 3.93 and 4.0.  But I never take any thing for granted.   The transcripts are on their way, and I started talking with my enrollment counselor.

It's kind of exciting to be going back to school.  It's been almost 5 years since I finished the BSN.  I think I'm ready to do it.

Meriwhen the RN, now BSN, soon to be MSN.  I like the sound of it.