October 19, 2014

I'm a little disappointed in myself...OK, a lot

One of my hobbies is participating in half-marathons.  I don't run them.  I started out strictly walking them, and can walk one in about 4 hours.  This spring, I trained to walk/run one, and completed one in March in 3h 20m.  I signed up for one in November which should have been a delight:  completely flat course, cool weather, along the ocean.

The problem is that I haven't trained for it.  Not at all.  The weather this summer made being outdoors to walk/run long distances nearly impossible.  I haven't had a lot of free time because of work and the kids, and the free days I had...well, I was too busy being a comatose vegetable on my days off.

I logged a total of 4 miles since my training start date 2 months ago.

Over morning coffee, I thought about what I was going to do.  There are 4-week half-marathon training programs out there, but with my work schedule and the kids (plus that ED class!) over those next four weeks, I don't have a lot of free time to run them.  Plus I'm no spring chicken.  This body isn't 20 anymore and I can't push it from 0 to 60 as well as I used to. I don't want an injury.   I can't afford to be injured. 

I could just walk the race:  after all, I know I've done it several times before...but that thought was for some reason rather depressing to me.  I think it's because I did so well walk/running in the spring race, that to just walk this one seems like a big step back.  Also, I still need to train somewhat for walking 13.1 miles.  It's physically as well as mentally taxing--seriously, trying being your own company for 4 hours of activity--and both endurance and mind need conditioning.

I can't transfer my registration to the following year.  Bah.  So I'm out the fee no matter what.

So I decided to offer the registration to my brother-in-law.  He's always talked about doing a half-marathon, and I'd rather see someone use my registration than for it to be a total loss.  If he doesn't want it, I'll offer it to my sorority running group and see if anyone takes it.

I feel like a failure for doing this.  I know I'm not a failure.  I can't always control what happens in life, and with work and kids keeping me busy.  The fact that I was aware of and acknowledged I can't do it says something.  I'm aware of my limitations.  I'm choosing the option that I feel overall is the best for me.  There's always the March half-marathon (which I am already registered for). 

Yet at the same time, I feel like I could have made more of an effort to train.  I could have went to the Y and walked part of the way on the treadmill, or cross-trained, or done something to be active.  I could have dropped some weight.  I could have taken the kids to the park with me as I walked.  I could have postponed the ED course until next year, since I had signed up for the half-marathon before I registered for the course.

Ah well.   Something--in addition to my anxiety--to talk about with my therapist when I finally meet her at the end of the month. 

No comments: