I've only gone misty at work a few times in my career.
First time was as a new grad. The powers that be decided I should be in charge of the ICU that day. Well, I had never been in charge of the ICU--it wasn't even my home unit. Up until that point, I was primarily a detox nurse. And it was a day full of discharges, court hearings, and everything administrative. I can deal with psychotic patients until the cows come home, but administrative stuff and court hearings...yeah, not yet familiar territory. My other nurse (we were short, so there were only two of us) was also a float. She was also a LVN so what she could do to help me was limited in scope.
I did my best to make a go of it, but after an hour and a half, I was so overwhelmed, I had to call the DON for reinforcements. She was able to get the supervisor down there, as well as one of the regular ICU nurses to come in on his day off and help me out. God bless him. He helped me get through the shift and gave me a crash course in all the legal ins and outs. He remains a good friend to this day. We both have the same taste in firearms.
I managed to keep the water works in until after the shift, when I went by the DON's office. She invited me to stop by to see how I was. I got there, sat down, and promptly started bawling.
The second time was many years later, on the first Father's Day after my father died. I went to work four days after he passed and didn't cry. I didn't cry for a long time. But that first Father's Day...I was on the open unit, so fortunately I got to be alone in my misery. Patients slept all night and it was so slow that my partner was chatting with some other nurses. I sat in the corner with a COW (computer on wheels), quietly, with the tears streaming down my face. I think that was the first time I had cried since he died.
I haven't really cried for him since...I do get misty at times, especially on my birthday. But brief tears since my father would have never liked to see me get upset on my birthday, especially about him. And I've never really cried over him since...but I know he understands.
Third time was due to stress over my mother. I love my mother but she can drive me to tears. I don't remember exactly what it was that got me upset, but with my mother, it could be lots of things. And while my crying wasn't outright hysterics, it was enough to get people worried.
Which brings us to the fourth time, today.
I generally have a good relationship with my coworkers, especially the ones I work with the most often. You need to have it, it's part of surviving. But work has been very stressful as of late--unfortunately things have happened and I can't go into details. It's getting to a lot of us. At least, it's getting to me and a few who have confided in me. We're doing our best to support each other in this. Anyhow, one of my coworkers--normally a decent guy--has been acting kind of like a jerk lately. He said something to me and it actually hurt. I asked for help with something and I got this instead. I'm not entirely sure if it was meant as a joke--I'm kind of thinking/hoping that it was, but it still hurt nonetheless.
I know, Meriwhen, sensitive? Not usually. But like I said, things have been stressful lately. So the remark got to me more than I'd like to have. I didn't quite know what to say, or even if I wanted to say anything about it, so I have just been keeping my distance from said coworker. Not really talking to him other than what I had to say while I thought it over.
I did end up talking about it with another coworker--the topic just kind of came up. He was also there and heard the remark, and agreed that it was rather insensitive, especially since I never ask for help (and yes, I'm working on improving that) and didn't get why the coworker said it, even if it was supposed to be a joke. He's also been a bit frustrated with this first coworker as of late. We both concluded that he (first coworker) probably hasn't even noticed that he upset me and so it might be pointless to even bring it up, just to let it pass.
So while an apology might be nice, my second coworker has a point. As far as remarks go, yes, it hurt...it wasn't the worst thing I've ever had anything ever said to me. Still, it was nice to know that perhaps it just wasn't me being overly sensitive.
But now, the first coworker for some reason is now not really talking to me. We have somehow entered a cold war...maybe. Or maybe not. I haven't asked him.
It hasn't impaired our working together, but it was tense. And got tenser as the night wore on.
Finally, towards, the end of the shift, I couldn't take the tension anymore and started crying in front of three psychotic patients. Two of them--long-term patients--were very concerned about me. The third said he would get us an apartment to live in together and buy me a sports car.
Uh, no, thank you.
I excused myself and left the floor. I'm a firm believer in presenting a united front when it comes to patients, and any issues among staff is not patient business.
A third coworker (I have to number them now so you're not confused) found me and consoled me. I didn't really say why I was upset. I'm not sure if anyone else knew I was upset because I did have the waterworks under decent control. Others including the first coworker were going past us in the nurses' station, so maybe they noticed. Or possibly not. No one else said anything, and I was too upset to care who saw at this point.
I pretty much ran out of Dodge after that.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the fourth time I ever cried at work. I'm sure they'll be a fifth, but hopefully not for a long time.
As far as the first coworker...I don't know what to do about that situation. It's inevitable that we will be working together again. He really is a good guy and I genuinely enjoy working with him. I'd like to think that his remark was a poor joke made at a horrible time, and which I for some reason am having a hard time getting over. Things are stressful at work for all of us, and the holidays are just going to make it worse. And December is a horrible enough month for me as it is. Maybe it may just be better for me to let it go and try to get out relationship back to normal. If he asks about it, I'll tell him how I felt. Though I don't think he will. I think it's just like my second coworker and I think: he probably hasn't noticed anything was/is wrong.
Though I'll be honest: part of me never wants to ask him for help with anything again if I can help it, in case it wasn't a joke.
