Happy Thanksgiving if you celebrate it. Happy Fourth Thursday in November if you don't.
Hanging in there. Lots of ups and downs. The family dinner went well, then I caught a short nap and went into work where a second family--the work family--dinner kicked into action. The power of the potluck. It was very multicultural. Lots of Filipino food. I told one of the LVNs she could adopt me so I could live off what she brought in. I'm not sure of its name, but it was like a Jamaican patty, just not with jerk seasoning.
It was nice to have my appetite back for a while. Alas, it's gone again. I skipped breakfast, choked down leftovers for lunch, and said No to dinner.
And I probably won't feel like eating overnight either. One of the LVNs--a different one--commented that I wasn't eating and said I must be watching my figure. It was said in all affection, so I took no offense. I told her that I just hadn't had an appetite lately and eased the conversation to another subject. I didn't mention why...no sense in depressing everyone else along with me.
November 23, 2016
In which depression hits Meriwhen hard...and she also learns she apparently has 103 draft posts
I'll need to review those 103 posts to see if they are truly drafts or if some glitch removed active posts from the blog.
Anyhow, my mood has not been good as of the last few days. Poor sleep, decreased appetite, easily stressed or agitated, easily upset, short tempered, and feeling just a background sadness all the time. Not enjoying life right now...in fact, the place I seem to be the least stressed is at work, and I was feeling rather burnt out there!
It didn't dawn on me until lunchtime today, when I hadn't eaten for 16 hours and still didn't feel hungry, that perhaps something is up. I'm food-driven so for me to not want to eat while not on a diet is a major red flag. So I forced myself to eat--that didn't go well but I finished lunch--and thought about things.
No, I'm not suicidal; no, I don't wish I were dead or not here; no to all the other questions that I as a psych nurse would ask someone who told me this.
The blues started when I was cleaning out my closet. I found a couple of Christmas gifts that would have been for my father, a puzzle and a T-shirt. It was quite the punch to the gut to see them because I never got the chance to give them to him. I thought about donating them, but decided not to because it would have felt like a betrayal of his memory if I got rid of them. So the puzzle went back into the closet and the T-shirt into my pile of workout gear.
It's the holiday season. Not quite the first one without my father, as he died a couple of weeks before Christmas. First Thanksgiving without him though. First birthday coming up without him. First anniversary of his death, which happens to fall on said birthday, coming up. The fact that we would have usually been together--or at least I would have been able to talk to him--but that this won't happen this year really kind of hurts.
Looking back, I never grieved the way my mother and sister did. I was the stoic one. Didn't mean I didn't feel anything...I just kept it together more. One of us had to. That wasn't my mother as that was her partner of 50+ years total. Not my sister as she was the one alone with him at the final moments. Guess it had to be me.
I'm starting to tear up thinking about this...which considering I'm at work, isn't what I want to be doing.
Then there's the stress of the holidays themselves. The recent election has caused quite the political rift between various branches of the family and friends. Holiday shopping. My mother coming out to visit, which even before my father's death was very stressful in itself.
And the fact that I will be aging one more calendar year. I think I may be having a mid-life crisis. No, I'm not about to go get a sport car and a young blond toy-boy to cavort with. Just realizing how old I am chronologically versus how old I am in spirit, and how the two aren't syncing up. Some regret that I didn't do things earlier in life, or that I'm getting around to doing things so late in the game. Plus the fact that I may have anywhere from a year to 50 years ahead of me, and I'm just not going to know. It's not like when I was 20 and I knew I had decades ahead of me...yes, I could have died at 21, but the odds of that happening were less than 0.01%.
*sigh*
So what do I do to survive this funk?
I don't want to adjust my medications. I've been doing rather well up to this point and I don't want to make any adjustments that I would have to un-adjust later on. I experienced serotonin discontinuation syndrome this summer. NOT FUN. I'm also not into self-medicating with my PRNs...I prefer to save them for the few times I really need it.
I can't lose myself in drink...well, I could if I wanted to, but I don't want to. It's not the answer. Besides, I've given up alcohol for a year and may possibly never return to it again, as I've found that life without alcohol has been rather nifty. My cholesterol has never been better (111!).
Prefer not to talk about it with the family, as they'll have enough of their own stress as it is. They don't need mine.
Maybe I will start the therapy up again. Or at least start journaling more and processing my feelings that way.
Anyhow, my mood has not been good as of the last few days. Poor sleep, decreased appetite, easily stressed or agitated, easily upset, short tempered, and feeling just a background sadness all the time. Not enjoying life right now...in fact, the place I seem to be the least stressed is at work, and I was feeling rather burnt out there!
It didn't dawn on me until lunchtime today, when I hadn't eaten for 16 hours and still didn't feel hungry, that perhaps something is up. I'm food-driven so for me to not want to eat while not on a diet is a major red flag. So I forced myself to eat--that didn't go well but I finished lunch--and thought about things.
No, I'm not suicidal; no, I don't wish I were dead or not here; no to all the other questions that I as a psych nurse would ask someone who told me this.
The blues started when I was cleaning out my closet. I found a couple of Christmas gifts that would have been for my father, a puzzle and a T-shirt. It was quite the punch to the gut to see them because I never got the chance to give them to him. I thought about donating them, but decided not to because it would have felt like a betrayal of his memory if I got rid of them. So the puzzle went back into the closet and the T-shirt into my pile of workout gear.
It's the holiday season. Not quite the first one without my father, as he died a couple of weeks before Christmas. First Thanksgiving without him though. First birthday coming up without him. First anniversary of his death, which happens to fall on said birthday, coming up. The fact that we would have usually been together--or at least I would have been able to talk to him--but that this won't happen this year really kind of hurts.
Looking back, I never grieved the way my mother and sister did. I was the stoic one. Didn't mean I didn't feel anything...I just kept it together more. One of us had to. That wasn't my mother as that was her partner of 50+ years total. Not my sister as she was the one alone with him at the final moments. Guess it had to be me.
I'm starting to tear up thinking about this...which considering I'm at work, isn't what I want to be doing.
Then there's the stress of the holidays themselves. The recent election has caused quite the political rift between various branches of the family and friends. Holiday shopping. My mother coming out to visit, which even before my father's death was very stressful in itself.
And the fact that I will be aging one more calendar year. I think I may be having a mid-life crisis. No, I'm not about to go get a sport car and a young blond toy-boy to cavort with. Just realizing how old I am chronologically versus how old I am in spirit, and how the two aren't syncing up. Some regret that I didn't do things earlier in life, or that I'm getting around to doing things so late in the game. Plus the fact that I may have anywhere from a year to 50 years ahead of me, and I'm just not going to know. It's not like when I was 20 and I knew I had decades ahead of me...yes, I could have died at 21, but the odds of that happening were less than 0.01%.
*sigh*
So what do I do to survive this funk?
I don't want to adjust my medications. I've been doing rather well up to this point and I don't want to make any adjustments that I would have to un-adjust later on. I experienced serotonin discontinuation syndrome this summer. NOT FUN. I'm also not into self-medicating with my PRNs...I prefer to save them for the few times I really need it.
I can't lose myself in drink...well, I could if I wanted to, but I don't want to. It's not the answer. Besides, I've given up alcohol for a year and may possibly never return to it again, as I've found that life without alcohol has been rather nifty. My cholesterol has never been better (111!).
Prefer not to talk about it with the family, as they'll have enough of their own stress as it is. They don't need mine.
Maybe I will start the therapy up again. Or at least start journaling more and processing my feelings that way.
November 19, 2016
In which Meriwhen discovers a Blogspot phone app
Nifty...can update from my phone now :)
I did get my cancel. I vegetated. It was just what I needed. I feel recharged and ready to tackle the world!
November 18, 2016
My work week ended and I had some downtime, albeit with a couple of days at Job 3. My mood is better. I feel less burned out...more like lightly fried.
Still attempting to get a day off of work though, just for that mental break. I put in another cancel request, and this time, the odds of me getting it are much better than last time. Three people would have to call off for the request to be denied. Three! That being said, I'm not planning on being off until I get the phone call saying I'm cancelled.
So let's talk about something completely unrelated to nursing: foundation, a.k.a. base makeup. Only because I've had purchased some yesterday that was totally off (it's hard to tell in the drugstore if the foundation will work).
This is the bane of my cosmetic existence. I have rosacea and hyperpigmentation. The rosacea waxes and wanes, but the hyperpigmentation is fairly constant, so I have to fight to cover redness and/or discoloration. Most days I can tame one, but the other runs rampant. Occasionally, both win, as they are today. Very rarely can I cover both in one go, but this involves a lot of foundation, concealer, and prayer.
Now if that wasn't enough to deal with, I have a skin tone that is tough to match. I am light olive. Not the tan healthy-looking olive as in Latina/Mediterranean. I have the pale green cast that defies classification. Thanks, Mom and Dad. She was the healthy-looking olive while he was the pale glow-in-the-dark type. I'm what results when you mix the two together.
Oh yes, let's not forget the chronic undereye circles.
So finding a decent foundation--or as I like to call it, chasing the dragon--has been hard. It's not so much the strength of coverage--I can get pancake makeup that will obliterate all flaws, though it may not look natural. It is the skin tone. They just don't make foundations in my color. The closest I've found is a brand called Meow, and they actually make an olive shade mineral foundation (Frisky Ocicat, don't ask) that actually has a pale green cast. So it matches pretty well.
The problem is that it's not the best coverage, and being a powder, more than two layers starts looking like, well, powder. So I have to go in with a lot of color-correcting primer and concealer underneath. Except that with powder foundations, the primer has to be water-based; otherwise the powder won't meld properly. And there aren't many water-based color-correcting primers out there. Actually, I think I've found only one. And it's not that great so I'll spare you and not name the brand.
Or if I want coverage but the color can be a bit off, I use NARS Sheer Glow, which despite it's name is not that sheer at all. It actually can go on pretty heavy. It's also expensive for a foundation. I use the shade Deauville, which is a balanced neutral. It doesn't have the green and it is a touch too light, but it's not specifically leaning any other tone, so I can make it work. I do need to add blush or bronzer though.
The things I have to deal with.
Since I can't always spend mad money on NARS, and Meow takes a couple of weeks to deliver, I have to have alternatives that are cheaper and more readily accessible. Hence why I'm trolling the stores for foundation. I have a couple of other ones that I got today to try.
Still attempting to get a day off of work though, just for that mental break. I put in another cancel request, and this time, the odds of me getting it are much better than last time. Three people would have to call off for the request to be denied. Three! That being said, I'm not planning on being off until I get the phone call saying I'm cancelled.
So let's talk about something completely unrelated to nursing: foundation, a.k.a. base makeup. Only because I've had purchased some yesterday that was totally off (it's hard to tell in the drugstore if the foundation will work).
This is the bane of my cosmetic existence. I have rosacea and hyperpigmentation. The rosacea waxes and wanes, but the hyperpigmentation is fairly constant, so I have to fight to cover redness and/or discoloration. Most days I can tame one, but the other runs rampant. Occasionally, both win, as they are today. Very rarely can I cover both in one go, but this involves a lot of foundation, concealer, and prayer.
Now if that wasn't enough to deal with, I have a skin tone that is tough to match. I am light olive. Not the tan healthy-looking olive as in Latina/Mediterranean. I have the pale green cast that defies classification. Thanks, Mom and Dad. She was the healthy-looking olive while he was the pale glow-in-the-dark type. I'm what results when you mix the two together.
Oh yes, let's not forget the chronic undereye circles.
So finding a decent foundation--or as I like to call it, chasing the dragon--has been hard. It's not so much the strength of coverage--I can get pancake makeup that will obliterate all flaws, though it may not look natural. It is the skin tone. They just don't make foundations in my color. The closest I've found is a brand called Meow, and they actually make an olive shade mineral foundation (Frisky Ocicat, don't ask) that actually has a pale green cast. So it matches pretty well.
The problem is that it's not the best coverage, and being a powder, more than two layers starts looking like, well, powder. So I have to go in with a lot of color-correcting primer and concealer underneath. Except that with powder foundations, the primer has to be water-based; otherwise the powder won't meld properly. And there aren't many water-based color-correcting primers out there. Actually, I think I've found only one. And it's not that great so I'll spare you and not name the brand.
Or if I want coverage but the color can be a bit off, I use NARS Sheer Glow, which despite it's name is not that sheer at all. It actually can go on pretty heavy. It's also expensive for a foundation. I use the shade Deauville, which is a balanced neutral. It doesn't have the green and it is a touch too light, but it's not specifically leaning any other tone, so I can make it work. I do need to add blush or bronzer though.
The things I have to deal with.
Since I can't always spend mad money on NARS, and Meow takes a couple of weeks to deliver, I have to have alternatives that are cheaper and more readily accessible. Hence why I'm trolling the stores for foundation. I have a couple of other ones that I got today to try.
November 13, 2016
Well, said coworker didn't end up getting cancelled. While I'm a bit disappointed for her that she didn't get it, I also can't help but feel a little schadenfreude, especially when I couldn't get my own cancel.
Still, for being at work and being burned out, the last couple of days have been rather tame as far as work goes. It's almost as though God figured I should catch a little break. I'm grateful for it and hope it lasts through the weekend.
Still, for being at work and being burned out, the last couple of days have been rather tame as far as work goes. It's almost as though God figured I should catch a little break. I'm grateful for it and hope it lasts through the weekend.
November 12, 2016
Didn't work
No one called out, yet I still wasn't cancelled. Bah.
To add insult to injury, they assigned me to my least favorite unit. Double bah.
Even more insulting, there is a chance that tomorrow, someone else who already requested to be cancelled will be cancelled even if some staff call off. Triple bah.
*sigh*
Like I said, I go into these things expecting to not get cancelled, so I'm not terribly distraught that I wasn't. But the fact that they put me on my least favorite unit instead of where I usually go on Fridays, while the nurse who normally works this unit was sent to where I would be, just kind of kills the mood for me.
And probably for that nurse as well, as I'm sure they're sitting there wondering, "why is Meriwhen is in MY spot and I'm over here in Hell?" I know they're not really a fan of my Friday night unit, no more than I'm a fan of theirs. Coworker, I'd trade with you if I could.
Perhaps they thought we'd both like the change. Or they wanted us to have the change. Who knows?
Oh well. Nothing I can do but make the best of it. The one thing that is good about this unit is that I'm left alone--really, I'm sent to a far corner and am by myself--so I can catch up on my reading and story writing.
I'll have to find another way to get that mini-escape.
To add insult to injury, they assigned me to my least favorite unit. Double bah.
Even more insulting, there is a chance that tomorrow, someone else who already requested to be cancelled will be cancelled even if some staff call off. Triple bah.
*sigh*
Like I said, I go into these things expecting to not get cancelled, so I'm not terribly distraught that I wasn't. But the fact that they put me on my least favorite unit instead of where I usually go on Fridays, while the nurse who normally works this unit was sent to where I would be, just kind of kills the mood for me.
And probably for that nurse as well, as I'm sure they're sitting there wondering, "why is Meriwhen is in MY spot and I'm over here in Hell?" I know they're not really a fan of my Friday night unit, no more than I'm a fan of theirs. Coworker, I'd trade with you if I could.
Oh well. Nothing I can do but make the best of it. The one thing that is good about this unit is that I'm left alone--really, I'm sent to a far corner and am by myself--so I can catch up on my reading and story writing.
I'll have to find another way to get that mini-escape.
November 11, 2016
I came up with an idea to get that mini-break from work
I looked at tomorrow's schedule and saw that there's quite a few people scheduled to work. So I requested to be cancelled if possible. I'm the first on the cancellation list, so provided no one calls out, it might happen. I won't know until two hours before work, though.
I'm going to expect to be going into work unless I hear otherwise. If I get it, sweet. If not, oh well.
I'm going to expect to be going into work unless I hear otherwise. If I get it, sweet. If not, oh well.
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