October 30, 2013

You are cordially invited to feel guilty

I'm sitting here, watching ID and drinking iced tea while little one #2 is asleep across my arms and abdomen.  I can't put him in his crib as he will wake up.  He's not a napper so this is rare, and I want it to last.  Considering that at 1830, I can put this child in his crib, say "good night" and walk out of the room with nary a protest, I'll take the lack of napping skills and remain pinned to the couch for now.

Still waiting on that final grade.  I feel like I can't relax and accept that it's truly over until that grade is posted.

I received an invitation for Sigma Theta Tau.  I'm not surprised--I knew that I was going to be invited.  But still...it's rather nice to be acknowledged by a professional organization.  It'll be good on the resume  and it will be a great networking opportunity, especially since I can have a dual membership with my local chapter.  There are two local chapters I can join, and I've chosen the one that I'll affiliate with once I'm inducted because I'm familiar with who this chapter's leader is.  I'm looking forward to taking part in STT.

Of course, such an invite doesn't come for free...like any Greek organization, there's initiation and membership fees.  Fortunately, I worked enough in October to more than cover it.

Speaking of work...

I turned down guaranteed hours on Thursday.  I'm on call for Friday so that's 50/50 as to whether I'll be going in.  But I received an offer for Thursday and said no.  I figured that as it was Halloween, I'd take the day off to get little one #1 and his costume ready, and then be fresh for walking around the neighborhood while I hold little one #2.

I worked a lot in October, and I felt like little one #2 needed some quality time with me.  I have enough guaranteed hours in November to cover my childcare costs.  Actually, the way my paychecks fall as well as the extra hours I got in October, I'll have paid for December's childcare on November 1st.  So technically I could take November off and December will still be covered.

The better half told me to enjoy the down time.  He's thrilled that school is finally over and that I have free time again.  He felt (and I'll admit to this) that sometimes little one #1 got lost in the shuffle because I spent a lot of my free time doing homework--he'd get shortchanged.  So he was supportive when I told him I opted out of work Thursday to be there for little one #1.  And of course, little one #1 is ecstatic.

So why do I feel guilty for turning down the hours?

*sigh*

I should just relax and enjoy the time off, but I can't.   I should enjoy the little lump of love that is unconscious in my lap because he won't be a little lump forever.  I should enjoy the time with the older lump because he's going to be grown up before I know it.  And I just keep thinking that I should have signed on for Thursday.

But I'm not going to.  I'm going to focus on the kids.  To help myself resist, I already told my babysitter that I had plans on Thursday and would not be needing her services.  It's going to be tough...and if I get cancelled on Friday, I'll feel even guiltier.  But I need to prioritize.   Kids first.

Sometimes, I wonder why I'm so hard-wired to work.

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